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Golf Australia Express : Issue 22
TIGER WOODS, then. “You just don’t get this, do you? He’s not a celebrity—he’s a golfer, and last decade’s news at that. We’re talking red carpet material— who would you most like to play with?” “Do they have to be American?” “No.” I can tell by the tone of his voice that wasn’t the right question. “Pair or four-ball?” “Pebble Beach is played in pairs, but I’ll give you a four-ball. You’re one.” “Thanks, Jack. Your generosity in this difficult time is astounding. So for my partner I’d probably take Buddha, and I think we’d play across the tee from Jesus and Mohammed. I’d love to see those two team up together.” At this point our relatively sanguine wander down the 18th took a dog leg—despite two impressive drives—as Jack accused me of deliberately missing the point. Such proclamations saw us well past the last green, but over a quiet and well-earned cold beer we went on. I was imagining an afternoon on the course with three heroes of our time—or of all time. Again, Jack harked up: “No-one’s talking about a round with Nelson Mandela and I don’t think Brad Pitt should be mentioned in the same sentence. He’s a celebrity, not a hero. The whole point is what celebrities you would like to see on the course. It’s a pro-am. Assuming— and going on your short game, this is a long shot indeed—you somehow managed to bribe and blackmail your way into the tournament, who would you most like to see on the card with your name? And, just in case you haven’t noticed, you have to be alive to play a pro-am.” To be fair to Jack, I have been vacillating—I’ve got no idea who walks up the red carpet on Oscars night these days. Johnny Depp looks more at home in Fear and Loathing than a fancy pants clubhouse, and who knows what Neil Young would bring to the course. Come to think of it, that would be quite a round—if you ever finished. Pencil him in. But what about the other celebrities—the writers and artists, the stage actors and street buskers that fill our lives with interest? Are they not celebrities, too? Driving home and through the safety of a telephone call I told Jack I’d like to play with the busker with the steel drums on Swanston Street, novelist and playwright Patrick White, and Neil Young. At least that way I’d have some cool tunes, get rocked by Neil and have Patrick on hand to write the story, in case I forgot. Jack hung up. We’re playing again on Friday. Hopefully he’ll be talking to me by then. OTG IT CAN BE TRICKY CHOOSING YOUR ULTIMATE CELEBRITY FOURSOME , ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW LOOSELY THE TERM ‘CELEBRITY’ IS NOW USED, WRITES WILL HONE. ALMOST FAMOUS with Will Hone IN HONING